


To Know

by JosephineStone



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 13:49:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2350628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JosephineStone/pseuds/JosephineStone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius struggles with the feelings of getting what he wants for only one night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Know

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks DIG for being my beta.

  
The last thing Sirius ever expected to see was James on his bed in nothing but a red bow. James’s parents had given Sirius his own room long before he had moved it: a place always ready for him to take whenever he needed some peace from his own family. Except for the first day James showed him to it, James had never been in Sirius’ room. It was too personal—they stopped spending time in James’s room that day as well.

‘What are you doing?’ Sirius kept his voice steady, hoping to keep his slight anger and confusion out of his tone. They never talked about this. Sirius prefered—hadn’t they all preferred—never to speak of it. James had no interest in him. He had accepted that.

James shrugged as colour warmed his cheeks. ‘It’s Christmas.’ He gestured to the bow.

‘That’s not an answer.’

‘Look, I know—’

‘And I know you don’t, besides you’re with Lily.’ The words cut him as much as the hurt expression on James’s face did. It had to be said. It had to be acknowledged.

‘Not right now….’ James sighed, and let his head fall into his hands. ‘I’m with Lily, and I’m not leaving her, but before—it’s still new with her...and.’

Sirius’ instinct to comfort James forced his anger down, and he began to cross the distance from the door to the bed as James struggled for words. James needn’t say anymore—Sirius understood him. He always understood him. It angered him because he both wanted it and didn’t at the same time. He didn’t want the first time to be the only time. He didn’t want to be a transition from one stage of James’s life to the next.

He didn’t want it to mean goodbye.

‘You know how I feel about her, but I’ve thought about this for a long time. I wanted to, but I didn’t want to hurt you or ruin our friendship...and now, I just don’t want to miss this chance. I already wonder what if...’ James paused for a moment. ‘What if I would have kissed you back when we we’re twelve? What if we’d just messed around when we were fourteen?’

Sirius stood next to the bed near James’s feet. Yet he couldn’t force himself to move the extra few inches and join him on the bed, until James took his hand and guided him up. His skin was cold, and Sirius noticed then the draft from the snow-covered window.

‘I don’t want to wonder forever what it would be like: I want to know.’ Then James kissed him, pulling Sirius down on top of him. It took only a moment for Sirius’ erection to strain against the confines of his pants. James continued to kiss him; although, no one would ever believe—nor would he tell anyone—it was his first. He had plenty of offers, but no interest. Messing around with girls would never have made James jealous; besides, he preferred James’s company—platonic as it was—to any moment without him in it.

He kissed James back. Not questioning what James wanted him to do, for once; but thinking only of his desires. He broke the kiss to trail more of them down James’s chest. When he got to the bow tied around James’s waist, he tugged it free, watched it unraveled, then kissed the skin it had hidden beneath it. Sirius took James’s erection into his mouth, and moaned unable to stop himself after hearing the strangled yelp of surprise that had come from James.

Sirius’ hands were everywhere: up and down James’s legs, trailing over his stomach, slipping behind his back and then pulling his hips forward to push his cock farther into Sirius’ mouth.

James’s hands never moved: just gripped tighter and tighter in the folds of fabric they held onto.

Sirius pulled back. He didn’t want James to come yet.

‘Fuck.’ James reached toward him to pull him back: shaking slightly, obviously not wanting Sirius to stop; and when James whined his name, Sirius almost gave into him. But, no: James was his Christmas present; he was not coming before Sirius had a chance to enjoy him.

Sirius pulled off his shirt, unbutton his trousers, and slid his pants off with them. James caught his breath and watched as Sirius undressed.

He tried to get his physical desires to push back his emotional ones. Naked, hard, and in a bed with James who was equally naked and hard should have made the task an easy one: it didn’t.

He wanted to say things. He nudged James’s hips to get him to roll over. Things he knew would be unwelcome. He pulled James’s hips up a bit to force his arse in the air, in a better position, in the right angle for Sirius to lick between his cheeks without too much strain on his neck. Perhaps the words were allowed that night, but they’d hang in the air the next morning.

It was, once again, impossible for him not to moan as his tongue made contact. James moaned with him. The words would haunt them every day. Sirius pushed his tongue deeper, twisting it, turning it. He muttered a quick spell before helping James roll to his back, and pushing his cock into him. James wrapped his legs around Sirius’ waist, once he got past the initial pain, and Sirius moved with him.

It would be a question with people in the room: it already was.

Sirius' movements were slow afraid of hurting him. Everytime he attempted to move faster he lost rhythm with James, so he slowed down even though his body ached for him to go faster. James began to leak over his stomach, and they lost each other again; James bucked faster and Sirius couldn’t keep up. He wasn’t ready yet; it was too soon.

It would turn into a dark, hovering tension when they were alone: it already had.

‘Oh, shit—oh, fuck.’ James came and then Sirius could no longer hold back. He moved faster and faster as James slowed down. James was relaxed, but tight around him, as he caught his breath.. Sirius lost control of his senses, and knew he was moaning: _James, James, Merlin, yes, James; fuck, shit, fuck, fuck; I want you, I’ve wanted this, so bloody much, hell; I love this, I want it, I love you. Oh, bloody hell, I love you; I—I love…._


End file.
